Emma Kinna's diary Excerpt: April 1904
to January 1907
Emma had a vast command of language and in
portions of her diary she used phrases that don't appear in the current
Estonian language, possibly they are Finnish. Emma used to say that "Estonian
is like Finnish except Estonians leave little words out". In addition,
she used letters and blanks for the very secret parts. It would be interesting
to find if Wood Lake is near Saint Petersburg and perhaps from that track
down the castle or estate nearest to it, it could be where she was raised.
I'm believe this is her Canadian diary, but again, the lakes name could
be checked. This is an excerpt from her diary, my dad Rob says he noticed
that in her later diary entries consistently one day was left unmarked,
the day each of her children were born. I'm not certain if Emma would appreciate
my publishing her very private and personal diary, but it's the only way
those of us not privileged to know her first hand, can learn something
about her personality. As all diaries should be, the gentle heart of a
romantic is exposed.
April 10:
Today everyone is having Sunday except me. I'm
mourning my sisters leaving to go far away and I have no one any more.
Oh yes, "HE" is still here, but I'm afraid to meet "HIM".
Somehow cruel fate always makes us meet. I love "Him" so! He
came into the house and grabbed her diary and ran away. She was very angry,
fearing "He" would think her to be a silly girl, and won't have
anything to do with her anymore. However "He" brought back what
he had taken. "He" can think what "He" likes, I still
love him.
April 11:
Last night I was bidding "Ollikene"
goodbye. She sang her farewell song to me which made me so sad I nearly
cried. Next morning Olga gave me a letter and told me not to read it till
later. We kissed and said good-bye. She left, I watched till she disappeared
behind the hill. Good-bye happiness.
April 12:
Today I'm very lonely. Still singing good-bye.
April 21,
In the afternoon we went to K.L. "He"
and his father to fish at Wood Lake. At the lake, K.L. tried to talk to
me but I didn't want to talk to him. He's a nice enough man but I only
want "Him" to talk to me. "Oh I love him so!". I would
like to talk to Him, but courage fails me. I love him so! I deamt he came
and sat on my knee, I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him.
April 25:
Today is two weeks since Olga left and I am still
lonely. I sat in my "forest temple" and wrote her a letter, and
also wrote in my little book everything that has happened to me since her
departure. Yesterday I went for a walk along the river bank and soon heard
the splash of oars and saw "He" was in the boat. I ran and hid
in my "forest temple", hoping "He" wont see me. Suddenly
I heard a laugh and footsteps. Thinking it was Leena, I went to meet her
and came face to face with "Him". I turned, ran to the shelter
of the spruces, hoping to loose him but he followed. He said to me "Emma,
come play with me, whether you want to or not!" I started for home
and "He" followed. "He" asked me "Will you tell
me what you were doing there?" I don't know what I answered. But "He"
is so dear to me. I love "Him". I wonder, "does he love
me?"
April 30:
This afternoon it rained. Today I was there. -----"He"-----l----j----l----j----saw-----.
Oh! Life is so difficult when ----K----f-----a----l-----k-----! Oh! It
is so hard!!
April 30:
Good-bye my beloved. Why do I cry because we have
to part. Don't expect me to answer-- I don't know how. When I'm sitting
in my "forest temple" I'll think of you. I'll never forget you.
Never!
May 1:
Today I am very sad. My beloved -------------------------
----------------------.
May 2:
Today the other people moved into their new boarding
place. Today "He" came here several times. "He" was
so h-----'. But why? I don't know.
May 15:
Today at last "He" came. I was working
in the kitchen. Suddenly "He" stepped in. My happiness was endless.
If no one else had been present I would have hugged "Him" and
kissed "Him" feverishly. "He" went to the old house
and I thought he went to my "forest temple" too. My assumption
was right, but instead of my wedding invitation, I found there "Tema
nimepulja". I kissed it many, many times and pressed it to my breast.
You know that you are dear to me and my heart is always beating for you
as long as I live.
May 22:
Today we are going there to bring "soola
leiba" (welcoming party). I am so fortunate that I can see "Him"
again. We went inside. "He" wasn't there! After a while, "He"
arrived. I became happier. Minzu was there too.
Dec. 5:
Thank heaven, at last I have time to write again.
I want to go out to work, then I can see "Him" again. Oh how
good that will be! Maybe "He" will come home for Christmas! A
while ago, when "He" was here, I wrote on a piece of paper "Ma-r-j-a
!!!" and put the piece of paper under the band of his hat.
Dec. 26:
Today, mother, uncle, and grandfather went to
a christening party. I waited with great anxiety for 2 o'clock when I could
water the cattle and then I could go to the party also. While I was waiting,
I wrote a little song. I hurried to the party and "He" was there.
How happy I was! I couldn't believe my eyes. What a good time we had. "He"
was so attentive and good to me. We ran and we danced and oh, it was such
a happy time! In the evening was the christening of the daughter. Name
was Emile. God parents were Mamma, Mari Moro, Heinu and Peter Koot and
Madam Perler. Boys name was Hendrik. When the party was over, and we were
saying goodbye, I also said goodbye to "Him". I never wanted
to part from "Him". I slipped my little piece of paper into "His"
pocket. We'll see what happens!
Jan. 1, 1905:
Today Sam came home. I would like to wish "Him"
Happy New Year in a letter, but I'd also like to see "Him".
Jan. 5:
Last night old Ott died. Tonight we all went to
the funeral except Mamma. There were Kingseps, Tiina, Lilli and Lembit.
Everything was nice but "H" wasn't there. Thats why it wasn't
nice for me. (Two or three lines followed written in a unknown language)
I was very lonely there. Maybe I won't see him until Easter. How I would
like to see him again. I don't get to town and I didn't get a letter from
Olly. I'll write a song about Olly. (a whole page was devoted to her
love for her friend Olly, but above anyone or anything, she loves "Him").
Feb. 1:
Today, I was there, but no one was home except
Ernie with his mother. She was writing a letter to the old country. After
awhile Juhan came home. His horses had run away. I found a letter there
addressed to me but I didn't dare open it so I put it back. Later I was
sorry I hadn't read it.
Feb. 3:
I went to Raabis to cut a blouse. "He"
had been there earlier but had left. I was very sorry. Next time I see
"Him", I'll give him my letter.
Feb. 11:
Today at last "He" was here and I was
able to drop my letter into his pocket. The pocket happened to be his fathers,
maybe he wont even find it and it will end up in someone elses hands. Don't
know what will happen then!
Feb. 12:
Today I went to visit E.K. with R.R. When I came
home I found "His" father at my place. Oh! How I dreaded meeting
him!
Feb.26:
Today I went there. "He" was at Koots.
I also went to E.K.'s place. No on e home there. I also found his letter.
Tonight I answered it and am sending it to him by Sam. I also sent a letter
to Olly by Sam. Soon Anna will arrive here. How good it will be then. But
when will I be able to see "Him" again?
Feb. 28:
I'm in such trouble,- when can I give m letter
to "Him". Today V.A. to our place. I wrote a song to "Him",
but didn't give it to anyone yet.
March 5:
On the first of March, the stork brought a little
girl to Leena. I'm going for a walk. a sick heart needs cooling off. I
went to Raabis's. Suddenly I saw three men coming and among them was "He".
I didn't know what to do. Finally I decided to go home, hoping maybe "He"
would come to our place too. I waited--I waited. I don't know how Rosi
knows that I love "Him". "Emma, stay here, what are you
afraid of. I already know everything!". I feed the cattle and saw
someone coming. Oh! Maybe it's "Him". It turned out it was not
"Him" but Sestrap who brought me a letter from O.K. I answered
it but oh, how sad that I didn't get to see "him".
March 9:
Today I went to meet the people who arrived from
the old country.
March 12:
Today "He" came here. Karl and John
Rabbis, P. Koot, and Kulbas also came. "He" took my letter and
I found his between a book. Yesterday, P.P. gave me a brooch. I told my
secrets to Anna.
March 14:
Henry and Sam went to town today. Kulbas and C.R.
haven't gone to work yet. Kulbas wrote in my album.
March 29:
Today P. And I came from town and brought me a
letter without a signature. The later said P.L. had given it.
April 2:
I wrote a letter to Olly but there's no way to
get it to her. P.P. told me that "He" is not going to write me
anymore. I wonder why? Did I bore "Him" with my letters? I am
very sorrowful today. I love "Him" so much. My love gets stronger
every day. I am so unfortunate. I wish I could die.
April 9:
Today I am very sad and my heart is aching. Why
haven't I heard from "Him"? That P. is one bad person. I threw
my old diary into the fire but P. Pulled it out and now it's in his possession.
I am still very sad and my heart is aching and longing to see "Him".
April 21:
Today we moved into the upstairs. P. Brought me
greetings from "Him" but I think P. just made them up himself,
so my heart is still aching and yearning for "Him". Why do I
love "Him" so.
April 24:
Last night al the country boys were here- "He"
was here too. I wrote a little note to give to "Him" but no way
was I able to do it. "He" must be angry with me. I saw P. talking
to "him". It must have been about my letters. When everybody
had left for home I tore up my note to "Him". My heart ached
and suffered one more scar. We went, Anna and I to Pomme, but they were
not home. On our way home we met K.L. and a. Pihooja and K.L. invited us
to a party. When we started for home E.K. came to see us home.
April 27:
Today Olly will probably arrive home. Then I'll
tell her everything.
May 3:
I dreamed that "He" came to our place.
When "He" started to go home, Anna and I went to accompany him
for a short distance. He and Anna walked together for a short distance
and when "He" left, I asked Anna "What did you talk about?"
She said, "He told me that he loved you". My world turned beautiful.
May 4:
Sestrap came to our place and two other men were
with him. I heard one say "If that is so, I'll hang him, but Emma
is mine!".
May 5:
Today K.L., T and O came home. Henry came home
from town and I was looking for a letter from Olly. No letter. I dreamt
about "Him" again that I was writing a letter to "Him"
but Peter came there and I couldn't finish the letter. I looked up what
that meant and it said "You will have unexpected guests." I dreamt
about "Him" again. It seemed we were at a party and "He"
was there. "He" asked me to go outside, and then said "Why
do you let me suffer so over you?" I didn't answer. Then it seemed
P. was there again.
May 14:
Today Anna and I went to get the cows home and
found Leena and Emma in the pasture. Leena said there were four visitors
at our place. Immediately I got happy, I knew who they would be. I hurried
to the house, "He" wasn't there. I went to the barn - "He"
wasn't there either. Anna asked me "Where is 'He'?" He was here
but he went away because there were no other men. I became very sad again,
but I tried not to show it. On the way home with Anna, we met two men,
R. And W. R. Gave me a letter. K.L. gave me laundry money. In the evening
we went upstairs and in a little while P. Came there too and said to me,
"Listen Eltse, we opened the letter you sent by us and found out you
loved somebody". I was ashamed. What shall I do now. Life is so difficult.
My happiness was very short and now I have a heavy burden to bear again.
What "He" must suffer on account of me!
May 24:
Tomorrow Juhan, Minzu and I are going to town. We will bring Olly back with us.
May 26:
We arrive home. I bought some presents and got
a letter from M.U.
May 29:
Today we did our chores, which was milking the
cows mostly. In the evening we met P.K. and some others who invited us
to a party. Olly was there also.
May 30:
Today all the young men went to work. K.L. gave
my album back. Oh! I wish I could meet Olly again! I wrote a letter to
M.U. again. Don't know when I can send it to him.
June 3:
Today is very rainy, and nothing special has happened
except that my thoughts are always of "Him". Oh! Why am I so
unfortunate in my love.
June 4:
Today at 3:30 we all went to the cemetery. Before
everybody had arrived, it started to rain, so we all went to Raabis' house
for shelter. When the rain was over, we went back to the cemetery. Mr.
Kingsep made a speech, and Grandfather Said a few words too. Later we all
went back to Raabis'. Mihkel and I and Juri Mets were there too. Minzu
and I went to send Olly away again. I seem to have forgotten my love for
"Him". But NO! Where could it go. At the service at the cemetery
my eyes kept turning towards "Him" and a cold shiver ran through
me. OH! I wish I have never fallen in love! How I would like to have the
courage to tell "Him" I don't love him anymore, but I don't know
what to say. Wish I could talk it over with Olly, she knows more about
love than I do.
June 18:
Last night when we got home we got severely scolded
for coming in so late, and were forbidden to go visit anymore. Emma Wernik
came to visit us. They had moved to Sestraps place. Oh! I'm so lonesome
and sad. But I will not write about it here. It will be my secret, stored
in the bottom of my heart.
June 25:
Song about "Lovers Pain".
June 28:
This day was written in code, something terrible
happened.....
July 1:
Karl Raabis came to our place, had got home from
work yesterday. Sam is coming home on Sunday. We'll see if I'll be allowed
to go to sing.
July 2:
Kenzi and Heinu went to get some pigs from Juhans.
Lestmann went through our place on his way to Sestraps. Men came home with
pigs. Anna and I were waiting to see if we could be allowed to go singing.
M.S.K.O.L. were already to start off. I was not allowed to go!
July 3:
Today I went there, and Oh! How happy I was!!
"He" was there.
July 8:
Today we all went to sing. We first went to Raabis',
from there Leena, Rosi and Karl came too, and we all went to Langers. Olly,
Minzu, a. And Lestman were already there. Everything was quite joyful,
but not for me. Showed Olly P.P.'s pictures. I've wished I could forget
"Him" but all the time I remember "Him" m heart starts
beating faster. I just can't forget "Him". I'll love "Him"'till
death! At first he squeezed my hand 'hard' but now it has become 'coldly'.
July 13:
Today Anna and I were weeding beets. When we got
home Sam was there.
July 15:
Today I wanted to forget all about "Him",
but it was hopeless. He and only "He" on my mind constantly,
and even on my tongue.
July 16:
Today Sam and Henry also M.S.K.O.A.M. All went
to the sing. M.S. asked me to go too but I had no desire to go. If I could
only see Olly I'd tell her all my troubles.
July 21:
Today we were making hay. a rain storm arrived
and forced us to stop haying. Suddenly K.R. rushed into the house and spoke
to Sam and Henry and everybody became excited and began rushing around.
Then Sam came to the door and said, "I came to tell you bad news.
Leena has been hurt by lightning" We all gasped in terror. Tears started
streaming down my face. Oh! God! Please help Leena. We waited anxiously
for further news. In the evening we went to their place, it was still lightning
and thundering. Grandpa came to meet us, crying. We asked how Leena was
and he said, "Dead". We burst out crying too, and went in. There
Leena on Rosies bed, naked, and Sam was pushing her arms up and down trying
to get her breathing again, but had no luck. We all came home again. Later
we went back and stayed all night.
July 22:
Tonight we went there with Anna and stayed all
night. Some others were there too.
July 23:
Today we were to her funeral. "Sleep in peace
Dear Leena".
August 6:
Today we went to sing again, all except Anna.
She was sick. We were to Raabis' and Kingsep's. "He" was there
too. I wasn't able to say "Hello" to him or say "Goodbye"either.
"He" seemed to be so shy. I was so happy last week, I had a letter
from M.U. so now I can answer it. I also wrote a little note to "Him"
saying, "Don't you remember me anymore?" and slipped it into
his pocket.
August 13:
Today I went to Juhans place. Karl was chauffeur.
Only Juhan and Ernie were at home, so I came away. On the way I met the
berry pickers. They had been across the river picking berries. "He"
was there and when we were ready to go, I squeezed his hand in saying goodbye.
Heard that O. Was going to marry K.R., I am not pleased with that but if
that is what she wants, so be it.
August 17:
I found Olly's ribbon beside Kingsep's house.
Oh! You wicked Olly! You must have been walking K. Home and lost your hair
ribbon!
August 18:
Toda Udekul came to our place. He asked how I
was and this and that.
August 19:
Today we all went haying, all except Anna and
Mamma.
August 20/21:
They are preparing to go berry picking. There
were Olly, Minzu, Udekul and Mr. Arthur. They hooked up the oxen and we
started out toward the berry patch in the hills. Udekul gave berries to
me and Olly, and we sang love songs. Udekul went to their place to stay
over night. I wished Minzu would marry G. Udekul. At night I dreamt that
"He" was sitting beside me on a chair and said, "Emma, I
heard you were going to marry a fine man. Is that true?" I didn't
say anything. "He" looked sadly at me then, and said "Well,
go ahead and marry him".
August 28:
Today my uncles and grandfather went visiting
-- said they'd drop in at G. Udekuls too. Anna and I waited for them to
return. It was already 10 o'clock, and they hadn't returned, so we went
to bed. I dreamt of "Him" again.
Sept. 3:
I dreamt again that I was out walking with "Him"
and kissing him with my arms around his neck. Today my Aunt, Olly, Minzu
and Ernie came to our place. How happy I was! But "He" was not
there. Heard from Olly that U. Was at Raabis', but he didn't come to our
place. We went to send them as far as Postis.
Sept. 4:
Today my uncle, auntie and their little son Ernst
came to our place to do their threshing (of the hay).
Sept. 8:
Today "He" came out I couldn't say "hello"
or "goodbye" to him. When I got home with the cows, "He"
was already leaving. "He" came on Tuesday too, the we talked
a bit, and "He" was very sociable and nice. He came to get Bronko.
Sept. 10:
This morning mother started out for uncles place.
We milked the cows and went too. Olly was going to tell me what Udekul
had told her about me. We couldn't go into the park, it was too wet. "He"
came home too and soon it was time for us to leave for our home. Olly,
Minzu and their mother came to send us. They walked as far as Kingseps'.
Olly told me she wished I would marry Udekul, but he had told her that
I was too young for that. When we got home we heard that Peter K. And Carl
Langer and Fritz had been here. At night I dreamt that Olly and I were
getting cattle home and Olly told me U. Had called me "Lilli"
and said that next year Emms (Lilli) will bloom on his breast. What a nice
dream! Sestrap came from town and brought me a letter from L.T. Oh, I am
so lonesome and longing to see "Him".
Sept. 24:
Tomorrow Minzu is going to the city.
Oct. 1:
Today, Henry went to survey the land. Poor Sam
has been sick for two weeks.
Oct. 8:
Today I was to visit at uncles. Olly came to send
me home. She also showed me Udekul's picture.
Oct 12:
Tonight we went to Kingsep's to get our letters.
K.L. also was there.
Oct 15:
Uncle promised to send me to get the letters tomorrow.
I'm so happy. Maybe "He" will be there too.
Oct. 28:
Now I am not at home anymore. I am in the city.
Before I left K.L. walked me home from Kingseps. "He" found out
about that. I'm still thinking of "Him" and wondering if "He"
thinks about me. I'm going to write a letter to Sam.
Nov. 5:
Today the Mrs. Went to town, to a funeral probably.
I wish Olly and Minzu would come here. I dreamt of "Him" again--that
I was kissing "Him". In the evening I went to visit Olly but
she had gone to see me so we didn't meet.
Nov. 15:
Today I went to see Olly. Minzu and Lilli were
there too. I read all my letters to them.
Nov. 24:
Today I was to town. It was the end of the month
so I got paid and got me some things. Olly had her picture taken. I sent
a letter to P.P. I mailed two letters. I borrowed two 5 cent stamps and
two envelopes from Olly.
Nov. 28:
Today was very cold so I didn't go to town. Am
a bit sick today.
Dec.3:
I am well today but Olly is sick. Mrs. Got overshoes
for me but I don't remember how much they were. I was to Sunday School.
Olly wasn't there. She was very sick. Dear God' make her well. I am so
lonesome, I'd like to go home.
Dec.10:
Today I was to Sunday School, then went to Olly's.
Minzu was there too. Sam is home already.
Dec.24:
Today I couldn't go to Sunday School. Mrs. Was
very sick. James B. Gave me some candy behind a door. I don't know what
he wants from me - a kiss perhaps.
Dec.28:
Today I was to church. Everything was very nice.
We sang and then Santa Claus gave us treats.
Dec. 30:
Today I am home and it is so good. We arrived
at uncles at 10 p.m. Tonight we were at uncles place for a steam bath.
Jan. 1, 1906:
Today Olly, Minzu and Rosi were here. When they
started to go home, I walked with them as far as Raabis's. We stayed there
till 8 p.m.
Jan. 2:
Today Peter Paal was here. I could hardly recognize
him.
Jan. 6:
Today P.P.? P.D. Paul K. And J.R. were here. They
went hunting. Tonight Jaan brought me a letter from P.P.
Jan.27:
Today we went with grandfather to Paul Koots to
christen the boys. We went by Peter K.'s place. P.P.? L.P. and P.K. went
ahead of us. After we got there, C. Also arrived shortly. Grandfather christened
the boys, one as Ludvig, the other Jaan. Ludvigs God-parents were Madam
Perler, Karl Langer and Peter Koot. Jaan's were Liine Pihooja, Jaan Teener,
August Posti. When we prepared to go home C. Gave me back my album. I went
outside to read what C. Had written. I went back in to say goodbye and
when I shook hands with C. I squeezed his hand a bit more.
Feb.3:
List of articles she bought and prices.
Jan. 7: (the diary pages seemed to be mixed up)
Today I was to a party but I was very sad. Didn't dance more than a couple dances. Finally managed to sit beside Paal and he started complaining about his sad fate - "Nobody like him!"
Today Anna and I drove to Juhans with (our
horse) Parni. Only he and Mari were home so we helped him feed his
cattle and then came home again.
Jan. 17:
Today P.Paal and John Moro here.
Jan. 24:
Today P.P. and P.Lan. Ere with horses. When they
had left, I went upstairs and found a letter in a box on the table, addressed
to me. I wrote an answer to the letter I found in the box. Uncle and his
wife were going to town today and will bring back Olly. Maybe I'll have
to go and take Olly's place. Then we"ll be apart again. Too bad!
Jan. 25:
Today P.P. was here and Anna had managed to give
the letter to him. I fed the animals and finally it was time for U. To
say goodbye. He was going away to work. He kissed me. Suddenly I heard
Mamma call "Emma, come and catch Parni (our horse)!" I
had been so stunned and Mamma's voice brought me to reality. I found myself
standing in the middle of the barn and U. Was bending down as though fastening
overshoes. Mamma appeared in the barn doorway. She asked him when he would
be coming home from work again. He said he'd be back for summer. I went
to water Parni and looked back to see him go. At the same moment he was
looking back too. In the evening I wrote to Olly. Wonder what will develop
from all these events. In the evening I went to Roosi's.
Jan. 29:
Today Paal came here. Went to cut logs with Jaan.
I went to Langers to do blacksmith work. I came home soon because uncle
came to do that himself. In the evening when Paal came home and left his
pack sack outside, I put a letter into his sack. Anna is still very sick.
Jan. 30:
Karl Langer and Peter Koot went past our place.
Jan. 31:
Was to Raabis' and brought thermometer. It showed
40 degrees, later it showed 39 degrees. Paal was here today, but hasn't
given me an answer to the letter yet. Maybe he hasn't found it yet or maybe
my letter was too salty for him. Serves him right. Is it really necessary
for me to start loving someone else? Oh! U. Made me very restless. At 11:30
temperature 40 degrees.
Feb. 3:
This afternoon I went to uncles for a bath. Met
Karl on the way so we went together. From him I heard that Arthur's horse
Bronco had died. We were both very sorry about that. Paal also was there
for a bath. Invited me to a party tomorrow at Raabis'. I stayed overnight
at uncles and slept with Olly. We talked all night.
Feb. 4:
After breakfast I went home. I went with Henze to my uncles J.'s place. I stayed with Anna till uncle came back and then went to take cabbages to grandma. Gave the cabbages to grandma and went to Kingsep's. There were Olly, Roosi so we went to Raabis'. Others were there already, but "He" wasn't there. Well! Paal was there and we were still quarreling over the past mistakes. In one game we played I had to sit on M.S. lap and he pressed me to his chest several times. I paid no attention. I'm not going to fall for every mans attentions!
(Several pages of verse followed, no name mentioned)
Paal gave me a letter. I started for home. Mike
S. And J. Wernik also Sestrep hooked his arm in mine and tried to get close
to me, and wanted me to walk him home.
Feb.5:
Today Paal is going back to work. I wish he wouldn't
bother me any more with his letters.
Feb.6:
Today "He" came here. Oh! How happy
I am! I was able to give him the letter. Lets see what "He" will
answer to that. When "He" started to leave, I went outside to
the cellar from where I could see whether "He" would look back.
"He" looked back several times. Oh, I suppose "He"
still loves me! Uudekul is a nice looking man and sensible, but he doesn't
know how to court a girl, in short he doesn't know how to love. He seems
to love every girl to the same degree, and that way he'll never get a wife,
not from this community. Paal is still a boy in every respect and doesn't
know how to be polite. "He" is still above everyone else. Anna
is already better.
Feb.10:
Today I was to the store. Heinu went for a bath.
Sorry I couldn't go. I'd like to be in "His" arms.
Feb.11:
Jaan and Carl Onton were here. They bought my
Lolljo and I cried. I went to Kingseps in the afternoon. Saw Jaan and Roosi
there.
Feb.12:
Today I went to Uncle Juhan's. He wasn't home.
I am very sad since Sunday. I love "Him" so much.
Feb.14:
Today Jaan brought groceries from Juhan's place.
He also brought me a letter from G.Sestrap. Tonight I answered the letter.
Feb.15:
Today M.Sestrap and Jaan Onton went to town. Sent
my letter by them.
Feb.25:
Today I got a letter from G.S.
Feb.26:
Today I went to Kingseps to borrow oxen. In the
evening brought oxen back. Emmi came to send me as far as Koots, to bring
them a letter. K.Langer was there and wanted to do business with me.
Mar.1:
Today Olly was here. I went to send her home and
stopped in at Koot's place.
Mar.3:
Today I am very sad. I am sorry for Sam, I just
cried. He and K.Raabis went home today. I wanted to go for a bath too,
but couldn't.
Mar.11:
Today I got three letters, two from G.Sestrap
and one from P.P.
Mar. 18:
Yesterday we went for a bath, Hune, Sam, Anna
and I. "He" is cold and very angry.
Mar.23:
Today G.Sestrap came home, on 21st, to invite
us to Karl's wedding. Today we went to the wedding, Olly's wedding. We
were so happy there, we danced. Minzu, G.Sestrap, Helmi, and "Him".
I was so jealous. Mr.Sestrap is good looking and very mischievous. As I
was passing him, by the doorway he said something to me, but I didn't hear
what it was. When I came back he took ahold of me, lifted me up in his
arms and begged me to kiss him. I said "No!" He said he wanted
me to become friends with him. I said "No!" to all his askings.
But when I danced with "Him"-- "He" squeezed my hand
and I answered in the same way. Olly was very beautiful in her white dress,
and green wreath, just like an angel. The wreath went to Minzu and the
hat to G. Sestrap. We, Helmi and I argued over P.P I cried, I was sorry
for Olly. Will she love me anymore now, as much as she used to?
Apr.1:
Today we went to Raabis', Juhan, Mari, Minzu and
Erni came there also, so Anna and I came home. H. Oha was at our place,
brought me 2 letters from P.P. One was marked April which said "I
love you". In the other letter it said "Please accept my love".
I went outside and saw three men standing behind the horse, they were P.P.,
Karl and Paul Langer. They went across the river to fight fire. We are
anxiously waiting for Rabbis' to arrive. Now the three fire fighters returned.
Apr. 6:
Today I was there and received a letter from "Him".
Oh! God! Forgive me for loving "Him" so. Truly I am so unhappy
and will remain so till I die. "He" is sensible. It's good that
"he" wrote to me this way. Oh! I'll try to forget him, but no,
no, no, my heart can't stand this. I wrote a letter to Him - 4 pages. Remains
to be seen how I'll get it to Him.
Apr.11:
Today they sent me to the store on Ida, but she
bucked me off. I got hurt but I went to the store anyway. When I got home,
I went to bed immediately.
Apr.12:
Today I'm still in bed. I wish I'd die. Olly came
here.
Apr.13:
Today Madam Perler came here and a little later
Jaan and Paal came. Paal went to Sestraps on Ida. I'm still a bit sick.
Apr.14:
Today, Anna, Hune, Jaan, Mamma and grandfather
went for a bath to Juhans. I took me letter to "Him" along and
was able to slip it into his box. I wonder what "He" thinks of
the letter when He finds it.
Apr.15:
Today is Easter Sunday. G.Sestrap and Eineman
left early in the morning to go visiting. In the evening they came back.
I was on the hill-top and they waved their hat at me. P.Paal was to our
place also, I gave him an egg on which was written, "Happy Easter",
wishes E.K.
Apr.16:
Today P. Paal came here again. He had found another
egg and said he won't give it to me till I kiss him. O.K.-- I kissed him.
In the afternoon when he came back from the store he brought Anna and me
some candy. Then he went to Teener's place. Mamma, Anna and I were just
leaving home when they came home. They caught to us at Raabis's. They told
us that they wanted Anna to get them some thread from Kingseps. I went
along with Anna. We went to Langers. Paul Kalluga was feeding cattle. We
went inside. Paul sat at the table writing a letter. Kalluga wanted to
do business with me, at first I took it as a joke and finally decided he
was in earnest. With lots of trouble we were able to get away from there
and went home.
Apr.17:
Today Oha went past our place and brought me a
letter (Translator couldn't tell who it was from). I did not answer
it.
Apr.20:
Today P. was here. Said that A.K. had asked him
to show him the letter, I felt so bad I nearly cried. Such a secret keeper!
Apr.22:
Today the men went back to work. This time M.S.
went too. He seemed to keep away from me. I wish I would have been able
to tell him I don't love him anymore. Last night P.P. told me he loved
me but I don't believe that.
Apr.23:
Today P. visited us and helped us put the net
into the river.
Apr.23:
Bad luck P., only one fish in the net. Jaan came
home from town and brought me a letter from Mamma and Pappi Emma.
Apr. 29:
Today Paal was here. Anna was here too. We went
to Langers, had a cup of coffee, then each went their own way. I wrote
a letter to M.U. and sent it away by Paal.
May 4:
Today Uncle and his wife came here. They brought
me a letter from P. which made me very angry. He still thinks I love him
and has already spread the gossip that I'm going to marry him.
May 6:
Today we went to see Olly. Mari, Juhan, Eva and
I. When I got back home, G.Sestrap and E.Eineman were here.
May 7:
Two young gentlemen from the old country came
today. Mr. Kaljus Kann and Gustov Roosenbaum.
May -:
Today Olly came here with Roosi's oxen, here also
were Paal and Anna. Olly said there was a letter at her place for me. It
was from "Him"! I went for it in the evening. He makes me so
cross! He seems to be proud of the fact that I loved, and brags about it.
Just wait fellow! I feel that my other love is going to blossom, that is
if I ever get back to loving again.
May -:
Anna came here today and brought me a letter from
Paal. And what a letter! Sealed with "petsat" and my letters
were inclosed. He also asked me to return all his letters written to me
along with any pictures of him that I might have. Tonight I was to Olly's
and showed her the letter which Paal had sent me, and asked for her advice.
May 13:
This morning A.K. came here. Then K---- R--- a
went to Sestraps. Olly, Mari and little Helen came here. Then came Eva
and finally Ardi. I gave my letters to Olly to deliver to him. Tonight
I went to fix the young men's bed and found "Good Night". Just
then Mr. Kann came there, grabbed me and held me tight and kissed me and
his voice was shaky when he spoke. I said "I don't want!" He
said "Why don't you want?" "I'm going to Olly's and I want
you to come with me" I said he would have to ask permission for me
to go along. He wanted me to write to him when he sends me his address.
We went and when we came back he squeezed my hand very gently. I stepped
into the house and K. said "Last time".
May 14:
This morning they started for town. When K. Said
good-bye he squeezed my hand so hard and stared at me, that I was frightened.
When they were on the way K. Waved his hand at me, "Good-bye for this
time".
May 15:
Today I went to Olly's to bring some cabbages.
May 17:
Today Mr. E.E. and P.P. were here. They invited
me to a picnic at Snake (Sylvan) Lake. I don't think I care to go,
but we'll see. Have I really started to love K. Oh! No. Can't be. It's
impossible, and I don't think he'll write to me.
May 19:
Today Paal went to the picnic. I didn't want to go so far to a picnic. Besides my tooth was aching.
(Some verses followed about: "Everything
is terrible, if love is missing")
May 20:
Today "He" and his father were here.
I had to go for the cows and asked Anna to come with me. Finally G.Sestrap,
who had just arrived, came with us also. When we found the cows, we sat
down to rest. Sestrap pulled me on his lap and didn't let me go, so I said-
"Listen Sestrap, where are your manners?" He let me go then and
looked a bit ashamed. On the way home we sang and planned a picnic for
next Sunday. Got home, there was a letter from "Him", full of
anger and hate! I'm not going to write him anymore!!!
May 22:
Today I went with Anna to visit Olly. Oh! That
Olly is so good. Now I don't love anybody anymore, not even "Him",
just Olly and Anna. Then I remember how he begged "love me even a
little bit" my heart softened again.
June 23:
Today was St. John's Day. Tonight was "Jaani
tuli". There was Mart Sestrap with his wife, Jullie Piht, Helmi, Lilli
Kingsep and some of this areas men. We danced in Eva's house. That evening
didn't appeal to me at all. Martin asked us to a wedding tomorrow.
June 24:
Today we'll go to the wedding. I quickly milked
the cows and got dressed and Juhan's family arrived. We got into grandfathers
wagon and started off; along the way we picked up Anna and Eva too. When
we arrived, only Julie Onton with her children were there. Soon came Langers,
Paal, Helmi and Lilli and Julie. We danced a bit but was not feeling good--my
tooth was aching.
July 22:
One day when I was at Langers, Paal said "I'll
pick you for myself". When I started home Paal called after me, "When
after 3 years, I come home, I'll make you mine". I said "Never!".
Today I got a letter from P.P.
Sept.-:
Anna is the house keeper at Langers. (Page
130 is poem Olly has written to Emma as a parting souvenir)
(Page 131, No date)
I sent my album by Anna so she would write something
in it.
Sept.30:
Today Uncle Sam and Henry and Mamma went to Juhan's
place I had to stay home with grandfather. Afterwards Anna went too, on
horseback.
Oct. 6:
Today I'm very sad. I wonder if I've really fallen in love with that man.
(a poem titled "Silence" - Telling
her heart to be silent.)
Oct. -:
Today I went to Anna's to see if she could console
me but I'm still very lonesome and restless. I still love "Him",
if only he would love me!
Oct.26:
Tonight G.U. came here. Today I am still very sad and lonely. I'm not allowed to go anywhere. I went outside and cried.
(Page 133 is in an unknown language)
Nov. 9:
Today I was to Uncles. Mr. Salomon came with me
to Langers. Ardi came to see me too- and apologized for not having answered
my letter. I went to Emmi's too.
Dec.16:
Yesterday I was to the store. Coming home I came
across country to Langers and was calling for them to come and get their
mail. He didn't come so I gave him his letters at Koots. He came to show
me how to get out of the fence and asked whether I had written to P. I
said "No!" Today Mr. U. was here. Nothing to write about him
except when he said goodbye, he also said "Wish you luck with a groom"
I thanked him and he left. Anna and Eva were here too.
Dec.16:
Today a Tibu (little chick) was born to
Olly.
Dec. 25:
Today is Christmas day. I was to Anna's and brought
here a gift - a white apron and pair of hose. C.L. had given Anna a brooch.
Dec. 30:
Today, -E- came to our place and in saying "Hello"
put a letter into my hand. I hope he doesn't think that he loves me, I
have no feelings whatever for him. His gaze and his handshake give me the
shivers. The one whom I prayed would be mine is so cold towards me. I'll
just have to wait how things develop.
1907
Jan. 1,
New Year has come--old year is gone. Remains to
be seen how my life will unravel, whether for better or worse. I am terribly
lonesome!! What popped into my mind? "HE". I had hoped to be
able to forget Him in the new year, and now already, whats on my mind?
"He". I wonder if he thinks of me too. No, no, it can't be. I
have to forget "Him" I must no love "Him".
Jan.6:
Uncle J. Was here today and brought me a postcard
from P. In the night I dreamt I got a letter form C.L. I was waiting for
Anna today but she didn't come because he is there. My thoughts are sure
torturing me - but I'll not write about it now. There will come a time,
I can't, I would be a liar.
Jan. 13, 1907:
Today I am at a christening at O. Rabbis'. Grandfather
christened, and name was Salme Kinna. Mr. C.L. invited me to his place.
To P-m- I gave the letter. He tightly squeezed my hand. Oh! What can that
man want of me. Might have been better if I had told him that I don't want
- but now it's all too late. C. Is so dear to me. Oh God! What's going
to come of all that!
Jaan Tomingas entered the United States in November 1906
